I've heard myself saying things to the kids
and had the very distinct impression
that what I was saying to them,
God was saying to me.
The first time I recall the phenomenon,
it was a few months after I'd gone to see Dr Baker
and was actually starting to get better.
I was walking with the girls in the cemetery
and, as is our custom, we checked the trash for treasure.
Lily thought she saw a burn can way off in the distance
and kept asking to go to it.
I, already knowing where all of the burn cans reside,
knew there was no burn can over on the west side, and told her so.
She was absolutely convinced I was just being mean
and continued begging.
I was getting so frustrated with the child.
From my vantage point, I could clearly see what she was pointing at,
and it was not a trash can!
She kept telling me she was sure it was, she could see it...
In desperation, I said to her,
"If there was a can over there, I would love for you to dig in it,
but there is no can!
Do you really think I would withhold any good thing from you?"
I had become convinced that God was holding out on me.
I 'knew' that I needed to be healed and whole, NOW
and God, who could make me that way with a snap of his finger,
didn't bother to.
He just left me in my misery.
As I spoke truth to my child, He spoke truth to me.
"I would never withhold good from you."
Josiah had been asking to play the new game Daddy'd bought at a yard sale.
Tyler kept telling him, "We'll see."
Come bedtime, we still hadn't managed to fit in playing the game,
so when Daddy said, "Go to bed",
the crying commenced.
I called Josiah to me.
Josiah cries loud open mouth wails to let us know he is especially distraught.
(drives me nuts and makes my eyeballs roll back in my head, to be honest)
I calmly had him look right at me
and told him I was going to ask him a question and he needed to listen to me,
think about it, and answer.
He stopped his caterwauling.
"Do you know that Mom and Dad love to be able to give you what you want
when its good for you, and within our power to do so?
That we don't like to have to say 'no' to you?
That we enjoy blessing our children?"
"Yes," he sniffed.
"Then how do you suppose it makes us feel when you carry on like this,
when we have to tell you 'no' because it's for your own good?
Dad didn't say we'd never play the game,
he just said we couldn't play it today."
"Do you realize that we probably feel worse that you do
because we had to say 'no'?
We like to bless you with what you want."
And I could clearly see how I had acted like such a baby,
thinking God didn't even care if I got better.
I never thought that it may have made Him a little sad to say,
"Sweetie, it's not really best for you to be better yet...."
I've been getting frustrated that my foot still hurts.
I was so hopeful when I first saw Maggie....
And I still have some issues with my SI joint.
And I'm still so stinking fat.
And my hormones, while much better, still aren't completely balanced
And two measly hours in the garden hurt me for days.
And I'm pre-diabetic. And my thyroid is screwed up, too....
And I just want to be fine.
Last night, before we ever even sat down to eat,
I spilled Lexi's water.
I cleaned up the mess and got back to finishing up dinner.
Her cup was still empty when she came to the table.
She complained about it.
I told her that I'd accidentally spilled it and we'd get her more water.
I stuck the jug under the faucet and began filling it.
She started banging her glass on the table,
"Nobody is getting me any water."
"Actually, Lex'," I said, "that's a lie. ('cuz I am so gentle like that)
I am getting you water right now.
I was already filling up the jug.
Just because it doesn't look like anybody is getting you water,
doesn't mean that's the truth.
Sometimes things are happening and we can't even see them."
And God said, "Touche'".