Monday, January 19, 2009

just a tad emotional

I’m a tad emotional.
I cried
when Tyler told me Sam’s didn’t have our olive oil.
How ridiculous is that??
I have tried and tried to get ready for
-well-
who knows what.
I’ve never had an eighth baby before.
Or a 4th c-section….
Or no big girl to help me…
So I’ve tried to just have my household in order
including every food-stuff we might possibly need
for the next month or so.

Every time I get everything crossed off my list
I find something else that we’re nearly out of….
Finished at Sam’s.
Made bread Friday and realized we only have about 3 cups of oil left.
Went to Walmart for the last last time
and within hours
I’d made the second to the last bottle of Fabuloso
That stuff lasts forever
and now it runs out??
~
I’ve been grieving the loss of my little girl.
I’ve done this enough to know how it works.
When I leave the house at 5 am Wed morning
Lily will still be
little
But
when I get home on Friday,
she will have grown by leaps and bounds,
never to be that same little girl again.
Oh
I know
the big Lily will be even more fabulous
than the precious Pie I have now.
But I will still miss the treasure she is right now.
~
I'm just a tad emotional….
~
I only have a day and a half left to come to grips with the fact
that
in all likelihood
I will never again participate in the miracle of life.
How does one come to grips with that??
~
Ok
maybe more than just a tad….
And I hate being a crybaby!
hmm
Perhaps we should rent a comedy this evening....

4 comments:

  1. just keep in mind that some of us were only blessed to have three of those little miracles... and no matter when we have to say 'when'.. it's difficult to say the least. i know exactly how you feel right now, and promise you.. it DOES get easier to accept. you just focus on taking care of YOURSELF, [let others worry about the pantry sweetie!] and that new little one almost here.. and know that all works out the way God intends... no matter what we think. He always does what's right for us, even if we can't see it at the time. hang in there little mamma!!

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  2. God be with you and give you all the strength and help you need. I'll be anxiously awaiting pics. Your emotions are totally normal and there is a lot happening and a lot to grieve. I hope your big girl can come home to help a bit.

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  3. You are a part of the miracle of life every day as you nurture, teach, and love the 8 children you have. Focus on where God has you - not where you think God should have you. God's ways are higher than ours.

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  4. I don't really understand why you still have the URGE to have more babies, even thought you are a FABULOUS MOTHER......but I love you and respect your wishes and wish you all the best. Just call if you need me, I'm serious.........ALl my love, TERRY

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