selfish

During my un-well time,

I could feel myself becoming more and more selfish.

Or maybe that selfishness was in me all along

and I just became more aware of it.

Either way, I hated it!

But I couldn't seem to do anything about it.

I was forcing myself to get out of bed in the mornings,

to keep people fed and clothed

somewhat educated and reasonably clean;

I had nothing else to give.

I'd get an e-mail asking me to provide a meal for someone

but all I could do was guiltily click 'delete'.

I'd know Lana could use a break,

(what mom of little ones couldn't?!)

but keeping my grand-babies to help out my daughter

was out of the question.

I needed someone to give me a break.
I was needy. Too needy.

And I hate being needy.

Conversations with other people

(although somewhat rare - wonder why??)

were always about me.
My children drove me bonkers
and I've always been a momma who enjoys her kids.
Let's not even talk about my poor husband.

I couldn't see beyond my own pain and distress

and it disgusted me.

I enjoy helping and being a blessing to others,

but it took everything I had just to survive

And I really didn't even want to do that.

No two ways about it - I was selfish.

me. me. me.

~

Knowing how I love a good fire,

after everyone had gone home Sunday

and the house was straightened

and the kids readied for bed,

Tyler went out and re-arranged the logs

so I could sit out by the fire pit a bit before going to bed.

I was so tired and my feet hurt so stinkin bad

(my heel is still not fully healed, although it is much  better)

I wasn't sure I wanted to walk all the way out there,

but with a perfect fire, how could I not?

I grabbed a piece of leftover Baked Alaska

and went to stare at the fire.

Which, of course, is code for 'sit and think'.

I reflected over the past few days

which were crazy for any sane person. 

Not once did I feel like it was more than I could bear.

(with help, of course!)
I was only near tears once
and that was after I'd fought for an hour with recovering a chair
and had to give up 'cause the chair was winning
and I had no more time to spare messing with it.

I realized that as my hormones are balancing

and I'm feeling better and better,

the nasty selfishness is disappearing.

I'm human ~ I'm sure I'll still be selfish from time to time,

but it is no longer a defining characteristic.

And I can't tell you how happy that makes me.